Now Hiring · One (1) Position Available
Procuring
a Puente
A long-term partner role has opened in the life of Victor Puente. Full-time, permanent, sacramental — the kind of position you retire from, together. The candidate is Catholic, heterosexual, and in possession of the hair. Applications are reviewed on a rolling basis.
- 100% heterosexual · verified
- 100% Catholic · practicing
- 0% of people who believe either
puente · noun · Spanish for bridge. Meet him halfway.
Victor Puente
Long-Term Partner Candidate · Boyfriend (Aspiring)
- Faith: Catholic, practicing
- Languages: Español / English
- Hair: Hair: yes
- Orientation: Straight (genuinely)
- Dress code: Long trousers, always
- Available immediately
- applications@puente.party
Objective
To be taken seriously exactly once, by exactly one person, for exactly as long as it takes to build something permanent. Seeking a partner who shares the faith, gets the joke, could take him in a fight, and understands that the hair is not a personality — it is merely the first thing anybody mentions. Open to relocation. Not open to a haircut.
Executive Summary
Warm, well-raised, low-drama candidate with a large family, a working moral framework, and a documented history of being introduced to strangers as "the guy with the hair." Fluent in two languages, plus the third one that lives in the pause between a mother's question and the correct answer. Attends Mass without being reminded. Currently meeting or exceeding every stated life goal except the one this listing exists to fill.
Corrections & Clarifications
An earlier and widely circulated description of this candidate characterized him as "a twink." The record has been reviewed. For the avoidance of doubt:
- The candidate is heterosexual. This has been continuously the case since birth and is not currently under appeal.
- The candidate is a practicing Roman Catholic. He would like this mentioned first. It is never mentioned first.
- The hair, the cheekbones, the glasses, the suspenders, and the general bone structure are hereby entered into evidence as mitigating circumstances.
- No retraction has been issued, on the grounds that the description keeps happening anyway.
The candidate holds no grievance and has, over time, developed something close to fondness for the bit. He is flattered. He remains, against considerable public opinion, straight.
The Hair (Schedule A · asset disclosure)
- Type
- Curly. Dense. Structurally independent.
- Color
- Whatever it decides in that light.
- Products
- Fewer than you think. Fewer than is fair.
- Routine
- Declines to comment.
- Humidity
- Unbothered. Insulting, really.
- Compliments
- Weekly, from strangers, unprompted.
- Touching
- Permitted once acquainted. Ask anyway.
- Ownership
- 100% his. No salon on retainer.
The candidate would like it stated plainly that the hair is not the offer. The hair is the packaging. He is aware that this is exactly what a person says about packaging he is very proud of.
Core Competencies
Additional skills: dancing at weddings without being asked twice, carrying four plates at once, holding forty minutes of conversation with somebody else's grandmother, and finding the right reading in the missal on the first try, and wearing full-length trousers in all twelve months of the calendar year.
Professional Experience (entry-level applicant)
Full disclosure up top: the candidate's entire history in this particular field consists of being conspicuously eligible and doing nothing whatsoever about it. What follows is everything else that prepared him.
Certified Heterosexual · Independent Contractor
Birth – Present- Maintained a 100% record under sustained, good-faith, entirely public skepticism.
- Has never once been offended by the question — which is, admittedly, part of the problem.
- Fields the same joke from the same friends with the same grace. Weekly. Indefinitely.
Practicing Catholic · One Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church
Baptized – Ongoing- Sunday Mass is a fixed appointment, not a variable one. Weekends get routed around it.
- Finds the readings without the page number. Sings anyway, at volume, regardless of outcome.
- Prays — sincerely, and by name — for the people who made this website.
Custodian of the Hair · Self-Managed, Unpaid
Genetic – Present- Sole operator of an asset that receives measurably more compliments than he does.
- Weathers humidity, gymnasium lighting, and a steady volume of unsolicited touching.
- Has never given a straight answer about the routine, on the grounds that there isn't one.
Son, Hermano, Nieto · Familia Puente
Lifetime Appointment- Bilingual by default. Code-switches mid-sentence without dropping the thread.
- Answers when his mother calls. First ring. Every time. This is the whole résumé, really.
- Can carry four plates. Has been carrying four plates since he was nine.
Education & Certifications
- Baptized, communed, confirmed. The complete set. Confirmation name on file, available under separate cover.
- Bilingual: Spanish and English — plus the third language, which is a mother saying your full name from another room.
- Certified: Will dance at your cousin's wedding without having to be asked twice.
- Certified: Can be left alone with your grandmother for an hour. She will end up liking him more than she likes you.
- Documented: Has never been photographed in shorts. Not at the lake, not in August, not one time. There is no public evidence that this man has knees and he has declined every request to produce some.
- Not certified: Has never once successfully ended the twink conversation. Has stopped trying. Counts this as personal growth.
Candidate Requirements (what we're looking for in you)
Required
- Shares the Catholic faith (this one's genuine, not a bit)
- Kind to waitstaff, kind to his mother, kind when nobody's watching
- Communicates. Out loud. Using words.
- Will let the twink thing go roughly one round before he does
Preferred
- Arrives at family functions hungry, and means it
- Speaks Spanish — or is willing to be laughed at kindly while learning
- Owns at least one outfit that can keep pace with a tux
- Has opinions about music and will defend them
- Can beat him at something — arm wrestling, cards, an argument
Dealbreakers
- "I'm not really a church person" — said about the wedding
- Rude to his mother. Rude to anyone's mother.
- Touches the hair without asking. Twice.
- Still texting an ex "for closure"
Compensation & Benefits
This role offers a competitive total rewards package, vested immediately:
Access to the Hair
Touching privileges granted early and never revoked. Front-row seat to a good hair day — which is most days, which is the injustice at the center of all this.
Family Plan
Immediate enrollment in a large family. Coverage includes unsolicited food, a tía who raises marriage before dessert, and a permanent seat at Christmas.
Spiritual Benefits
A standing invitation to Sunday Mass. He'll save you a seat, find your page, and never once make it weird.
Live Translation
Real-time interpretation at family functions. He will not tell you what your tía actually said. It was nice. It was fine.
Formalwear Readiness
Owns a tux. Photographic evidence attached below. Will out-dress you at every wedding you ever attend together and pretend he didn't plan it.
Full Coverage
Answers on the first ring. Calls back. Remembers the thing you were nervous about and asks how it went.
Attachments (submitted unprompted)
The candidate has enclosed photographs. Nobody requested photographs. They are offered in support of the claims made above, and in partial defiance of the Corrections notice.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this a joke?
Yes. Also no. It's a joke that would be extremely pleased to be taken seriously by the right person.
Okay, but — is he a twink?
He is a straight, practicing Catholic man who has been informed of the general consensus many, many times. Public opinion is not, legally or theologically, a sexual orientation. He is flattered. He is still straight. Please refer to the Corrections notice above, which nobody reads.
Is the hair real?
Entirely. No extensions, no salon on retainer, no routine he is willing to describe under questioning. Yes, that is the most infuriating available answer. He knows.
Does he own a single pair of shorts?
Unconfirmed, and increasingly doubted. Nobody has seen him in shorts — not at the lake, not in August, not once in living memory. Full-length trousers, every recorded day of his life. Measured against that, the suspenders in Exhibit F are a wild departure.
What does "Puente" mean?
Bridge. Yes, we noticed too. No, he didn't pick it. He is aware it's a good metaphor and has decided to let you be the one to say it.
Will his family like me?
His family decided to like you the moment they heard you existed. His grandmother has already chosen a side and it is yours. The only real test is whether you can finish what she puts on your plate.
Who made this website?
A friend. Victor found out about it the same way you did.
What if I'm not looking for anything serious?
Respect, and no hard feelings. Different role, different listing. Best of luck out there.
References
Glowing references available upon request — including his mother (effusive), his friends (unreliable narrators, one of whom built this website), and a long queue of people whose testimony will unhelpfully begin with "okay, but the hair though."
Ready to apply?
Submit Your Application
No cover letter required. Say hello, tell him one true thing about yourself, and lead with something other than the hair. He'll notice.
Applications reviewed personally. No bots, no recruiters, no "hey :)" and nothing else.